Courtney Knoblach is among a growing cohort who have gone “no contact” with their mothers-in-law due to what they describe as toxic and emotionally harmful behavior.
“She’s never met our son,” the 28-year-old mom in Maine tells TODAY.com, her voice tinged with sadness. For Knoblach, the priority is maintaining a sense of peace within her family, a peace she says is only possible by keeping her mother in-law at arm’s length, unless meaningful change occurs.
“I sometimes miss her and wish we could talk,” Knoblach says. “I’d love to hear what my husband was like as a child, to compare him to our son, little things like that. But even if I wanted to, she has me blocked.”
“They made my situation look not so bad!”
Recently, Knoblach, seeking connection with others facing similar challenges, invited her TikTok followers to share their “most unhinged mother-in-law stories.” The responses left her stunned.
“They made my situation look not so bad!” she says, with a laugh. Here are just some of those examples:
- “My MIL sits in my apartment parking lot and watches us through the windows.”
- “I just found out my MIL was telling people I had an abortion when I had miscarried.”
- “Cried because I changed my child’s pediatrician without telling her.”
- “She would literally wear his boxers and flannels while doing laundry whenever I was around.”
- “We told her I was pregnant and she stayed quiet and said, ‘This isn’t a good time, I would’ve hoped you waited longer.’ (We were married for 2 1/2 years).”
- “She invited all my husbands exes to our engagement party.”
- “One time I was with my husband and she said, ‘I remember when he used to look at ME like that.’ Oh?”
- “Put pumpkin (which I am allergic to) into our dinner, cause she didn't believe me. When I got violently sick, everyone assumed it was food poisoning. Found out years later.”
- “My MIL attempted to nurse my baby for comfort when she babysat her once.”
- “My birthday dinner was also a party for their dog … who they were putting down the next day.”
- “My baby was 9 weeks old — I was breastfeeding and she said, ‘When are you going to lose all that weight?’”
- “Asking my husband (her son) to take her on 2 date nights a month.”
- “Cried at me and my husband's gender reveal because we were having a girl. And not happy tears. I was speechless.”
- “She said I was ‘flaunting my blackness.’ I was wearing a Tupac shirt from Spencer’s.”
Dr. Terri Bacow, a cognitive-behavioral therapist in New York City, believes mothers start acting badly when they feel they are losing their son.
“I can imagine that some of these moms are feeling possessive,” Bacow tells TODAY.com. “They’re struggling with the idea that their child is forming a new family.”
That’s often when they begin projecting their feelings, fears and insecurities onto their daughter-in-law, the “Goodbye Anxiety” author adds.
“I always tell my clients, if you are struggling with your mother-in-law, it has nothing to do with you; it’s not personal,” Bacow says. “This is about his mom relinquishing control. There’s a lot of grief that comes up in this moment.”
While the tensions with in-laws can be complex, setting clear expectations and healthy boundaries early on can help couples start off on the right foot. In some cases, that may mean the daughter-in-law making an effort to include her husband's mother in aspects of the wedding planning.
“Ideally, both parties should approach the relationship with openness, while also setting clear boundaries,” Bacow explains. “I know that can be difficult. But boundaries don’t have to be harsh and aggressive. You can be assertive and warm, firm and polite. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying, ‘No thank you.’”
One of the most effective things you can do is lay a strong foundation for the relationship. As Bacow puts it, “a welcoming attitude, along with a spirit of collaboration and inclusion is a good place to start.”
