Maybe don’t offer to “take the baby” the next time you visit a new mom.
“By offering to take my child, you’re putting me in ‘fight or flight’ mode,” Chelsey Cox, a mom in South Carolina, tells TODAY.com.
Cox laid it out in an Instagram video, in which her five-month-old son sleeps on her chest.
“When you are going to a new mother’s house, do not offer to take the baby,” Cox said in the video. “Don’t offer to babysit. Don’t offer to take the baby nowhere. Don’t offer to let her get some sleep while you watch the baby. Don’t, don’t, don’t.”
“Nine times out of ten, I want to be with my baby — I don’t want you to take the baby, OK?” Cox continued. “You can wash these dishes, you can bring me something to eat ... No, don’t offer to watch the baby. I’m going to need you to sweep, mop, vacuum, take the trash, bring me some goodies, give me something to eat, bring me some money. Cook me some soup ... bake me a cake.”
Cox added, “Don’t offer to take this baby, because she is probably not going to let you do that until he is 19. And even then.”
Instagram moms asked Cox to “Say it louder for the mothers-in-law in the back,” writing these comments:
- “Please offer to take the husband instead. Me and the baby are doing just fine.”
- “YES. Please do everything else. Don’t tell me that I can ‘relax’ now that you’re holding the baby, while you sit there watching me clean with my baby in your arms.”
- “Holding my baby is not helping.”
- “Seriously ... I just grew this human for nine months and was gutted like a fish to get her out. I’m madly in love with her and I barely want you to touch her, let alone out of my eyesight.”
- “This gives me so much anxiety when people say this because, ‘Why do you want to take my baby away from me??’”
- “If I send this to my family’s group chat, it’ll start a wildfire.”
Cox tells TODAY.com that her son requires specific care, due to being born with health problems.
“Even without those challenges, I’m of the mindset, ‘Let me keep my baby — I grew him, he’s mine — and you can assist me with other things,” she says.
Cox says she wants her loved ones to bond with her baby, adding, “I also want you to see I am drowning,” as a postpartum mom.
“Bring me a meal,” she suggests. “Clean my house for me. Do a load of laundry ... Some soup. A foot rub ... Not snatch the baby.”
Cox says she recorded the Instagram video for new mothers that don’t feel comfortable clarifying the help they need.
“People don’t want to be rude or disrespectful or hurt anyone’s feelings, so they often comply,” she says, adding, “There are other ways to show that you’re here for me and my baby.”
Cox says her mother-in-law has it right.
“She is really good about asking, ‘Do you need or want something?’ and ‘Can I send you anything?’" says Cox. “If I need her to take my baby, she will.”
Cox says visitors should let new mothers set the pace during postpartum visits.
“I want women to feel comfortable ... to say, ‘Ask me what I need and I’ll tell you,” says Cox. “Don’t assume what I need.”
