Four questions may help answer one of the biggest uncertainties when two people fall in love: Will this relationship last?
The list can help a person determine if they’ve found the right partner, says Jourdan Travers, a licensed clinical social worker based in Surf City, New Jersey, and clinical director at Awake Therapy.
The psychotherapist and her husband, psychologist Mark Travers, came up with the questions after looking at research and observing their patients in couples therapy.
“These are things that individuals don’t necessarily think about when they’re in that infatuation stage or that they might overlook, but are important in determining whether this is a relationship for you to pursue,” Jourdan Travers tells TODAY.com.
“It opens the door to a conversation around what they’re looking for and maybe what they are aware of and perhaps not.”
Here are four questions to ask yourself to test the strength of your relationship:
If you weren’t a couple, would you still be close friends?
This question gauges how well you knew your partner before the relationship became romantic. If you were friends, you have more context about them as a person and know them better.
“Friendship is a part of being in a healthy relationship because there’s no such thing as an easy relationship,” Travers says.
“There are going to be ups and downs, but if you’re friends with the person — if you liked them before deciding to become intimately involved with them — there’s a good chance that the relationship has a solid foundation.”
If you answered “no”
Explore how you decided this person was the right partner for you, she advises.
Was it an overwhelming attraction? If so, “that chemistry isn’t love — that chemistry is infatuation,” which may not last for a long time, Travers warns.
Did you consider it love at first sight? She calls it a “fantasy” that can clash with the reality of day-to-day life.
“Many people have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should look like or feel like,” Travers says.
Do you like who you are when you’re around your partner?
Loved ones can inspire you to be better and grow in unexpected ways, Travers notes.
It happens when they express confidence in your skills, are generous with praise, give advice and offer help.
It’s known as the Michelangelo Phenomenon, named after the great Italian artist, where close partners “sculpt one another’s selves,” and help the other person achieve their dreams, researchers write.
So, does your loved one bring out the best in you?
“Does your partner not only love you but do they support you? Are they compassionate? Do they also give you a dose of reality? Are they honest with you?” she asks.
“Healthy partners are helping you grow and kind of sculpting you into being a better version of yourself.”
If you answered “no”
Consider whether you’re with someone who has your best interest at heart, Travers advises.
Maybe they’re indifferent, disapproving or pessimistic, leading you to dislike who you are when you’re together.
If you knew your partner would never change, would you still want to be with them?
If you don’t accept your partner as they are, be aware there’s little chance for a transformation.
“Some people have this faulty belief of, ‘I will just change them and mold them into being the perfect version of who I want them to be,’” Travers says.
“It’s a provocative thought — ‘I have this power, this control to change people.’ The truth is that you don’t.”
If you answered “no”
It sounds like you don’t want to be with your partner unless they change, so you’ve already decided this is not the relationship for you, she notes.
When you have good news, is your partner the first person you want to tell?
This is one of the biggest signs of a good relationship, Travers says. You immediately want to share the cheerful and joyous events in your life with your loved one, boosting both your moods and your bond, a process known as capitalization.
Relationship benefits that come with sharing good news with a partner include satisfaction, intimacy, commitment, trust, liking, closeness and stability, research has found.
If you answered “no”
Ask yourself, “Why?” Would you rather call your mother or another family member in this situation? Are you talking to someone else? Travers wonders if there’s a third person in the mix.
What do the answers mean?
If you answered “yes” to all four questions, it means you’re on the right track and it bodes well for the strength of the relationship, Travers notes.
You’ll still have ups and downs with your partner — that’s life — but you’re doing well in some important ways.
If you answered “no” to some of the questions, it opens the door for continued conversation.
Answering “no” to all four questions requires deeper exploration, she advises.
“I wouldn’t say that definitively this is a major red flag sign you need to jump ship, but it’s something that you might want to think about,” Travers says.
“Maybe you jumped into a relationship too soon and these are some areas you overlooked when making that decision.”
